I’ve crossed
over to the dark side, abandoned all hope thrown in the towel, read the
writing on the wall and turned my back on all I hold dear.
That's right.... I’m on a diet.
No
cookies, cakes, pies or chips. No pizza, General Tso’s Chicken, BBQ or
fried dough of any kind. Just that thin flavorless grayish-green vitamin
fortified gruel-like substance you’re forced to eat when you leave the
matrix.
Ok I’m exaggerating...a little.
I’m on the Weight
Watchers For Men (more on that soon). Wheee!
It’s actually a pretty cool set –up. The best
part of it is that the whole thing is done on line, no meetings. Now
I’m well aware that people who go to meetings tend to be more successful
in their pursuit of a chafe free summer. I’m also aware that if I were
to attend a typical meeting I would more than likely be killed and
possibly eating by a large number of protein deprived housewives and
office workers from Burbank who wouldn’t appreciate my
“unique” outlook on life. So I’m keeping it strictly cyber.
The plan itself is pretty simple. A point value is assigned to almost every
edible substance in the known universe. Depending on ones sex, height,
weight and level of daily activity, one is given a maximum number of
points per day. I am allowed 49 points a day and an extra 49 points a
week to use any way I wish. Just to put things in perspective, I as a
man at 6’1/240 get 49 points a day while 45 points a day would represent
the average daily food intake of a Rufous hummingbird. Not a Lucifer or
Green Violet-ear but a Rufous.I can also earn “Activity Points” by
well... doing stuff. Walking for 20 minutes at a moderate pace earns you
2 points, at a brisk pace 4 points. Running the New York City Marathon 6
points. As a side benefit I get access to the WW message boards. Some
of the posts are in turns heartbreaking and hilarious. It’s hard to feel
bad about eating that Oreo after reading a post by a woman who ate her
son’s birthday cake…all of it…in the car…on the way home from the
bakery.
I hear my detractors already
“He’ll never make it”, “
They’ll find him on the kitchen floor unconscious surrounded by rappers
and clutching what’s left of a Hostess Cupcake”. Maybe they will. Who’s
to say? Maybe I’ll drop 40 pounds and look great. But I know one thing …I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
I wonder how many points are in a horse?
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